by Keith Blincoe, Staff Writer
Warning: If you are allergic to satire, proceed with caution.
According to recently leaked intelligence reports, an unnamed member of Thunderbird’s finance faculty is actually a secret International Monetary Fund (IMF) agent working under the code name “Speculatre.” (The report did not say whether the agent is related to MALEFICENT, Thunderbird’s bankster rap group.)
His exploits have taken him all over the world. He infiltrated an Azerbaijani animal fighting ring in order to save its captive manatees. The ring was in violation of the Endangered Species Act. When his own house was underwater after the real estate bubble, he simply gave the key to the loan sharks to whom he owed money and told them to enjoy his water beds. He travels regularly to South Africa, mainly to “get randy.” One mission in 1998 required him to impersonate a judge at the Nagano Olympics, and in a very close skating race he had to determine whether the South Korean or the North Korean won. (When asked why he chose North, he said “because I was in range.”)
The leaks also revealed new details about recent events. For example, in the euro crisis the role of Greeks is well known, but then it turns out implied Greeks had a hand too. Speculatre’s personal opinion, according to margin notes on the documents, was that Finance Minister Varoufakis was “a real drachma queen,” adding that the Greeks should pay out their debts with a balloon payment “to combat inflation” and that their sovereign debt was “bond—junk bonds.”
The documents reveal Speculatre’s personal views on other topics too. He opposes seafood subsidies in Cambodia, citing the “teach a man to fish” principle (also known as the international Fisher effect). His advice to them is simply to keep it riel.
Commentators on the left side of the political spectrum say the leaks confirm their worst worries about the IMF. “Speculatre’s record of interfering in the currency options market is yet another example of how Western banks bend the rules in the name of hedgemony.”
Also released were his performance reviews. “Speculatre sometimes misses the forex for the trees, and his penchant for violence—e.g., his insistence on bullet repayment—needs improvement.”
The agent is currently inactive because he has a hryvniated disc—“that’s what happens if Ukraine your neck too hard.”