By Keith Blincoe, Staff Writer
ATTENTION: Satire article. Reader discretion is advised.
Attention to all students, regardless of whether you have any intention of setting foot on Arizona State University (ASU) West’s campus in your lifetime: the cafeteria in ASU West is currently covered in bees. Every square inch of the floor, walls, ceiling, and tables is covered in individuals from one species or another of stinging hymenopterid. Don’t eat lunch there until given the all-clear signal.
This just in: The cafeteria is clear. This is the all-clear signal. You can go to the cafeteria again.
Wait, here’s another announcement for everyone with an ASU email address: Every classroom at ASU West is covered in bees. The seats are covered in bees, the projectors are covered in bees, and the door handles are definitely covered in bees. Many of the bees are also covered in bees, though this does not seem to bother them. Please avoid classrooms until further notice.
Good news, everyone: The classrooms are rid of bees. That’s right—no more bees in the classrooms. You can attend class without having to brave swarms of stinging insects around your head throughout the lecture.
Sorry to clog your inbox, but students are advised that the dorms in ASU West are covered in bees. According to our experts, the number of bees is “about a trillion.” Because that is a lot of bees, please stay away from the dorms. If you are currently in the dorms, stay where you are and pretend to be a bee so the bees won’t sting you. Our experts, who know how to use Wikipedia and never formally told us they were “bee experts” per se, say that buzzing a lot, sucking nectar, and mumbling about the queen will get you 80 percent of the way there.
OK, it’s clear now. You can go back to the dorms, and those of you in the dorms can stop buzzing.
But wait, another email: Students are advised that the gym has not been repainted an ugly shade of writhing yellow—that’s just bees. They are also advised not to use the racquetball courts at this time. Our experts, who are also covered in bees, say the number of bees has increased from “about a trillion” to “Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ouch get those bees out of my aaaaaaaagh.” Satellite imagery confirms that ASU West is pretty much just bees now. Just… lie low for a while.
All-clear, folks. This time we mean it. Students are also advised that there will be free honey available tomorrow to anyone willing to put their tongue on random outdoor surfaces. And keep checking your emails for future announcements.