by Keith Blincoe, Staff Writer
Warning: Satire in, on, or around this article.
According to an announcement sent to students from Arizona State University (ASU) President Michael Crow, ASU has agreed to acquire all of the outstanding shares of Volkswagen AG, the troubled car maker, for an estimated price of ten billion dollars.
“The purchase of the Wolfsburg-based auto manufacturer is the second-most international acquisition in ASU’s history,” Crow’s email said. “It will allow both parties to benefit from the strengths of the other.”
Crow said the combined entities will have an agenda from day one. “Through a recent acquisition, ASU has gained access to vast parking resources, which we plan to use—excuse me, ‘leverage’— to store the 12 million cars affected by the recalls.”
Another change concerns beer. “ASU is a dry enterprise, so from now on Volkswagen employees will not be allowed to consume alcoholic beverages without permission from their parents, or from me,” Crow explained.
More controversial is ASU’s plan to confiscate Volkswagen employees’ pension funds, especially as it contradicts earlier assurances from Volkswagen chairman Matthias Müller. Volkswagen leadership has not responded to requests for comments.
But according to Crow, the merger will allow Volkswagen to achieve the low emissions it used to advertise: “The ASU Emissions Department has some of the lowest standards in the world.”
“ASU’s great strength, besides, uh, education obviously, is marketing, especially branding. And that’s the one thing Volkswagen needs. That, and cleaner engines. Those are the two things Volkswagen needs, and also more robust internal controls, so three things. Right, three,” said Müller. Nailed another press conference, he muttered.
The acquisition is in the long-term strategic interests of the school, says Crow. “Auto manufacturing has not historically been part of ASU’s mission, but only when ASU has a foothold in every industry will it truly become the New American Universality.”