The Weekly Substandard: A Good Jack Makes a Good Jill

Jack: Durex is introducing condom delivery in Dubai.

Before we gorge ourselves in hearty business analysis, we should set some boundaries. In order to establish credibility and maintain a respectable level of maturity, we should refrain from making any more than one sexual innuendo, euphemism or pun throughout this dialogue. That being said, let’s bone up on some marketing strategy.

One needs to appreciate the irony of starting a prophylactic delivery service in one of the more sexually conservative regions in the world. Although the U.A.E. enjoys more liberties than its neighboring states, it is difficult to imagine it being the most attractive market (I can think of one within a few hours of Phoenix that would be less of a gamble). And, if this is one big public relations ploy by Durex, then bravo! You have aroused my attention.

Before handing this to you, I would just like to say I am firmly in favor of this service and would happily swim in this blue ocean. A few questions I pose to you: Where do you think Durex should bring this next? And, for a condom transporter (Trojan man?), what are the tipping guidelines?

Jill: Well Jack, hats off. You have certainly woken me up to this issue–in fact; my alertness has seemed to gone from six to midnight. Before diving into this blue ocean, I think you need to be cautious of the frothy, white waves and what lies beneath them.

Jack, don’t you think it is a bit absurd that a country with an official religion of Islam is endorsing this act? Just makes me go a bit limp at the thought of it. Forget the U.A.E., and bring this to America! Americans can’t even brew their own coffee anymore; they would rather wait 10 minutes in a drive thru instead. This is perfect for Americans, is it not?

As for the Trojan man, just the tip is never enough. I say give him 20 percent, and an ice-cold beer. Wouldn’t want him to get angry and tip off your wife.

I’d like to know where you think this service would do well … any emerging markets come to mind? Jack, I would also like to know how you think Durex can expand on this idea, make it into something bigger and easier to grasp? Ideas?

Jack: I must say, your double entendres blow me away! Before we go into a dark place with this warped Seussian nightmare, let’s get back to the point at hand. This service is a little too perfect for Americans. I cannot help but think they are teasing us with such a seductive opportunity. Durex, you do know how to play the game. I would love to see smart phone apps, digital delivery tracking, and saved consumer product preferences. The strategic marketing team must be bulging with ideas.

Dense urban areas are ideal. Hire cheap bike messengers, save on fuel expenses, and expedite delivery times. I’ll leave you to wrap this up, Jill. And please, settle down on the language before this column prematurely concludes.

Jill: Simmer down? Puhhh-lease. I’ve got a bright idea–how about focus on areas with natural disasters, such as hurricanes, blizzards and monsoons? After all, you never go out into a storm without a raincoat. It’s just not a good idea.

Overall, I think this whole idea is wonderful, and America is an ideal location. I say why not take it one step further, and install some condom vending machines in hotel lobbies in Vegas. Fill it up with different flavors, textures, sizes; the possibilities are simply endless.

Back to the main idea, and that is a condom delivery service in Dubai. I just read an article about a couple of lesbian women who sought asylum status in the United States because of life-threatening harassment from neighbors, friends and family … Yet we think a condom delivery service is going to work? I don’t think so. Great idea, just the wrong country.

Jack: Well, that was exhausting. Visit next week as we tackle a new topic and set a new bar for subtlety and taste, and, if you have an opinion on the matter, COMMENT BELOW!

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