The Weekly Substandard: Birth Control Done Wrong


Jill: All right Jack, I found us a rather serious topic this week: pregnancy and birth control. Canadian drug manufacturer Apotex has issued a recall over a batch of 50,000 generic birth control pills that may contain two weeks of the sugar placebo pills, instead of the normal one-week supply of placebos. Apotex has contacted retailers and wholesalers, but has chosen to not yet reach out to individuals who may be at risk.

Though one should never rely 100% on birth control to prevent unwanted pregnancy, that is simply what happens now. Most birth controls boast a 97%-99.9% prevention rate, and women have begun to rely on these statistics. Thus, the very fact that Apotex has not reached out to the women who could be infected disgusts me. What is to come of any unwanted pregnancies that DO occur?

Jack, is it up to Apotex to prevent the pregnancies of these 50,000 potentially affected women? OR, is it up to these women to practice other forms of birth control? As a man, what do you think? Enlighten me!

Jack: I am usually hesitant when I blindly receive a Substandard idea, but I think you’ve done well here.  We are finally getting back to our core global business/contraceptive roots in which this fine piece of periodical literature was birthed.

I assume my opinion does not differ too much from yours. The fact that you use “infected” synonymously with “impregnated” really says it all. I hope your progeny read this someday and they are filled with warm affection. I know nothing about female birth control, but I will assume the normal dosage is not equivalent to simple carbohydrates. Why do you need a one-week placebo supply at all?  What is this tomfoolery witchcraft?

I’m assuming Apotex’s legal department has already begun calling their families informing them they will not see them for the next several months. Broken homes on top of future broken homes. Well done, Apotex supply chain (or whomever’s poor soul will be scapegoated).

How do you mean women rely on the 99% prevention statistics? Do you have notches on your bedpost and for every hundredth dude do you pray to the gods to have mercy on your uterus? My ignorance hath no bounds.

Jill: How did you know about my bedposts?!? WHO told you? Anyhow, I am only on 77, so I have a few to go before I need to warn a man that he may be a daddy.

I conceived of the idea to do this for our column this week when in a discussion with a male peer over the idea of male contraceptives. However, we concluded that male contraceptives would be a bad idea, for men are not intelligent enough to take a pill at the same time, every day. No offense, but you don’t even understand what a placebo is.

However, back to the topic at hand here: Apotex is screwed. Literally. If a company delivers a product that is not up to standards, they should notify those whom they delivered it to. Now, if this had happened in Japan or Europe, where there is an aging population and women are shying away from the typical nuclear family, don’t worry about it. These countries need more children. However, the last thing we need in Canada and the US of A are more screaming children running around the beach while I am trying to enjoy my margarita.

Jack: Again, how charming you can be. I don’t think its that men would not remember to take the pill, its more likely they would be averse to anything affecting…well… you know.

I would say the company should have the responsibility of a surrogate father, if you will. They need to help raise these children. Take them to ball games, teach them how to ride a bike, help with their homework, and, broadly speaking, show them how to navigate this messy  world. Eventually the children will reach the age where they need to learn about the birds and the bees. Sit the kids down and tell them to never, ever trust Apotex.

Now, I’m going to go enjoy a margarita.

Have any thoughts on this? Leave us a comment down below, and look forward to what we have for next week!

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