By Keith Blincoe, Staff Writer

–A satirical take on the world around us.–

Real-estate tycoon and presidential hopeful Donald Trump paid a visit to Thunderbird’s campus. Below is a follow-up letter he sent after returning to New York. –ed.

I just want to say thanks to all the wonderful students and faculty I met on my campus tour. You have a great campus. I love what you are all doing here. I’m all about making Thunderbird great again! But let me make one suggestion: a wall. This school has a lot of foreigners—I’m talking about Mexicans, Chinese, Indians. Now, there’s nothing wrong with foreigners. I love foreigners. I’m a successful businessman and I employ lots of foreigners. And foreigners love me. But why are we educating so many foreigners in our best schools? They’re just going to go back to Mexico or wherever foreigners come from, and take our jobs with them. This is a huge waste of the investment we’ve poured into their brains.

The solution? The solution is so obvious only an idiot can see it: build a wall around the foreigners. As a businessman, I make deals for a living, and the only kind of deal worth making is a win-win. You build a wall around the foreign students, and what happens? The foreign students win because they still get to study in the greatest nation on earth. And we win because when graduation comes, the foreigners have to stay here and create jobs here instead of taking their education home with them.

I’ve talked to plenty of Mexicans here—from Colombia, Venezuela, Brazil, Canada, wherever—and they all understand the reason we want a wall. Are they happy about it? No. But do they see where we’re coming from? Of course. That’s what I’m good at—telling people what I think.

Now I’m a successful businessman, so I know this project wouldn’t be free. I’m not just talking about upfront costs—obviously I’m going to make the foreigners pay those. I’m talking about the inconvenience. A bunch of walls crisscrossing campus wherever Mexicans go is going to make it harder to get to class, no question. But don’t forget about the jobs this would bring—construction jobs, maintenance jobs, transport, you know… labor, the kind of jobs that foreigners don’t touch. Who says we can’t create jobs and solve the immigrant problem in one fell swoop? Losers, that’s who. And I know that Thunderbirds don’t want to be losers.

Note from Das Tor: ASU representatives have denied that they are considering renaming the school “Trumperbird” in an exchange for a donation.