TSG to Outsource Student Government to ASU*

By Keith Blincoe, Staff Writer

ATTENTION: Satire article. Reader discretion is advised.

According to fictional sources familiar with the matter, Thunderbird Student Government (TSG) has decided to outsource its student governing duties to Arizona State University (ASU).

Citing the difficulty of dealing with an increasingly rowdy student body, the demands of their schoolwork, and the excellent track record ASU representatives have of dealing with student concerns equitably, TSG has announced that effective immediately, all TSG duties will be transferred to ASU.

“This is a prime example of how outsourcing can lead to greater efficiency. The division of labor arises because of economies of repetition and specialization—people get better at things when they do them a lot and aren’t distracted by other duties. We in TSG have a lot on our plate, and while the folks down in Tempe aren’t exactly swimming in free time, you have to admit they have experience doing this sort of thing. Overall, the cost to ASU of taking this up is lower than the cost to us.”

The source clarified that “this sort of thing” refers to listening to student concerns and responding appropriately. “Take the little parking brouhaha, for example. Students at other ASU campuses protested when ASU began charging for parking, but they got over it eventually. Simply stonewalling until the other side gets over it—a brilliant strategy!”

The source admitted to having some concerns. “Cost of production [i.e., of student governance] aren’t the only important factor. You also want to be close to the markets—the supplier market as well as the buyer market. But think about the market for a second. The ‘buyers’ appear to be Thunderbird students’ they’re the ones who are one the receiving end of governance. And the supplier of course is Thunderbird administration, the ultimate basis of TSG authority. But I contend things aren’t so simple. The real buyer—the party that wants control over governance—is ASU. And the source of authority is also ASU. So it makes sense that production be located in Tempe, or at least at ASU West.”

Another source felt similarly. “You never want to outsource your core activities. So at first I was apprehensive about this—isn’t student governance a core activity for Thunderbird Student Government? The surprising answer is no! And student governance is definitely a core activity of ASU, so it wouldn’t make much sense to outsource it to us, would it?” the source chuckled nervously.

When asked whether there would still be any role for TSG after the transition, the sources were unanimous: “Our outsourcing to Arizona State University will enable TSG to emerge as a stronger, more viable institution than ever before.” Added one, “So before you ask, we’re doing it because we want to, not because we have to.”

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